Dear McDonald's Flavour Assasins

Let me start off by saying, I am, or more accurately, used to be, a McDonalds fan. I have partaken of their culinary… uniqueness on many occasion. From the Big Mac, to the Double QuarterPounder even the McPizza.

I stood by McDonalds. When the health advocates pointed the obese finger of blame squarely at McDonalds, I sat back and shook my head. I watched as their patty size shrunk in order to show a label that contained less calories. Frankly, the people that are unaware of the fattening qualities of hamburgers and fries are the same people the warning on plastic bags, not to pull them over your head, were meant for. People who wouldn’t have survived this long on their own 100 years ago. (If you are one of those people and you are reading this, it is your arm shoving that food into your mouth that is making your pants tight. As bad as McDonalds is, I have not seen a single chair with straps to hold the patron in while the staff force feed them at gunpoint.)

Even recently, when I cut back on my McDonalds intake, I would stop by on occasion to try out one of their new “entrees”.

Well today I tried the Spicy Thai McBistro Chicken Sandwich, grilled of course as I am watching my waist. I’ve come the the conclusion that the person who created the Spicy Thai McBistro Chicken Sandwich has tasted neither Thai, nor chicken, and spicy is apparently too difficult a concept for them. It was the single most god-awful food I have EVER had the displeasure of putting in my mouth.

“Aw, common, it can be that bad”, you may ask?

In fact, I asked myself that very question as I gummed the first squishy bite I took. Yes, squishy is the best way to describe it. Grilled chicken? Nope, frozen chicken breast with brown lines painted on it and marginally heated up in the microwave. Never touched a grill.

Now I do understand, in today’s age of disinterested teenage employees and high volume demands, that producing a picture perfect sandwich every time, is a daunting task, so I don’t judge presentation. McDonalds isn’t the place you’d go if you want presentation. In the past, it was the place I’d go to find passable grub to shove down my throat-hole to satisfy a demanding stomach on the fly. Fine dining it has never been accused of.

But, this… this was akin to full on torture. The lettuce had the texture of worn-out inner tube and the cucumber, in not so subtle gigantic chunks, was mushy. I had to check on every bite to ensure the chicken was indeed cooked (been food poisoned by McDonalds  before, now I’m cautious but too stupid to not go back). And the Thai? I’m surprised the Thailand government hasn’t put out a cease and desist order yet.

“You are over-exaggerating, surely”, you say?

Let’s put it this way, I had to physically fight the urge to jump out of the truck and lick the dirty pavement, just to try and remove the horrific flavour from my mouth.

Remember, I went to university. I have eaten some terrible things both intentionally and unintentionally. A sparse budget has a way of dulling ones taste buds in the name of survival. That said, I have never eaten a goldfish… I think.

Although, a raw goldfish would have a distinctly better texture and flavour than the McBistro Spicy Thai Chicken.

If I wanted badly microwaved, tasteless, or questionable tasting food, I’ll get on an airplane, thank-you very much.

So I bid you adieu, McDonalds. You shall torture my tongue never again, if I don’t cut it out first, that is. The taste just won’t go away.

Where’s the liquid paper, maybe that will work.

Gah.