Dear McDonald’s Flavour Assasins

Food Storage UnitLet me start off by saying, I am, or more accurately, used to be, a McDonalds fan. I have partaken of their culinary… uniqueness on many occasion. From the Big Mac, to the Double QuarterPounder even the McPizza.

I stood by McDonalds. When the health advocates pointed the obese finger of blame squarely at McDonalds, I sat back and shook my head. I watched as their patty size shrunk in order to show a label that contained less calories. Frankly, the people that are unaware of the fattening qualities of hamburgers and fries are the same people the warning on plastic bags, not to pull them over your head, were meant for. People who wouldn’t have survived this long on their own 100 years ago. (If you are one of those people and you are reading this, it is your arm shoving that food into your mouth that is making your pants tight. As bad as McDonalds is, I have not seen a single chair with straps to hold the patron in while the staff force feed them at gunpoint.)

Even recently, when I cut back on my McDonalds intake, I would stop by on occasion to try out one of their new “entrees”.

Well today I tried the Spicy Thai McBistro Chicken Sandwich, grilled of course as I am watching my waist. I’ve come the the conclusion that the person who created the Spicy Thai McBistro Chicken Sandwich has tasted neither Thai, nor chicken, and spicy is apparently too difficult a concept for them. It was the single most god-awful food I have EVER had the displeasure of putting in my mouth.

“Aw, c’mon, it can be that bad”, you may ask?

In fact, I asked myself that very question as I gummed the first squishy bite I took. Yes, squishy is the best way to describe it. Grilled chicken? Nope, frozen chicken breast with brown lines painted on it and marginally heated up in the microwave. Never touched a grill.

Now I do understand, in today’s age of disinterested teenage employees and high volume demands, that producing a picture perfect sandwich every time, is a daunting task, so I don’t judge presentation. McDonalds isn’t the place you’d go if you want presentation. In the past, it was the place I’d go to find passable grub to shove down my throat-hole to satisfy a demanding stomach on the fly. Fine dining it has never been accused of.

But, this… this was akin to full on torture. The lettuce had the texture of worn-out inner tube and the cucumber, in not so subtle gigantic chunks, was mushy. I had to check on every bite to ensure the chicken was indeed cooked (been food poisoned by McDonalds  before, now I’m cautious but too stupid to not go back). And the Thai? I’m surprised the Thailand government hasn’t put out a cease and desist order yet.

“You are over-exaggerating, surely”, you say?

Let’s put it this way, I had to physically fight the urge to jump out of the truck and lick the dirty pavement, just to try and remove the horrific flavour from my mouth.

Remember, I went to university. I have eaten some terrible things both intentionally and unintentionally. A sparse budget has a way of dulling ones taste buds in the name of survival. That said, I have never eaten a goldfish… I think.

Although, a raw goldfish would have a distinctly better texture and flavour than the McBistro Spicy Thai Chicken.

If I wanted badly microwaved, tasteless, or questionable tasting food, I’ll get on an airplane, thank-you very much.

So I bid you adieu, McDonalds. You shall torture my tongue never again, if I don’t cut it out first, that is. The taste just won’t go away.

Where’s the liquid paper, maybe that will work.

Gah.

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About Dale Long

Writing ambushed me from the shadows. At first I pushed it aside as nonsense, but luckily my wife and two girls saw the potential. Since then I have had an article published by Metroland, placed as runner-up and in the top ten in humour writing contests and various other contests. The icing on the cake was placing as runner-up in the WCDR's Wicked Words contest (130 entries) and having my entry published in the contests anthology of the same name. My entry was an exerpt from my upcoming novel, Echoes.
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8 Responses to Dear McDonald’s Flavour Assasins

  1. king Lerxst says:

    Beware, the vortex known as McDonald’s is very strong and can pull you back in when you least expect it. The Golden Arches have a way of erasing the memories of the taste buds (part of a much larger conspiracy I believe), and the introduction of another tasteless and funky textured item will soon be on the menu to entice the masses. Be afraid, very afraid!

    • Dale Long says:

      Another new horror pumped out by the McDonalds Play-Doh flavour factory?? Say it ain’t so.
      Oh the horror, the horror.
      Soylent green is… is… made by McDonalds.
      “Funky textured item.” I like that. Worse than the McNugget? Even the name is questionable.
      Flavour Factory employee #1 “What part of the chicken is this?”
      Flavour Factory employee#2 “I dunno, is it even chicken?”
      #1 “Well we can’t call it ‘Is it even chicken’ now can we?”
      #2 “Is lips an option?”
      #1 “Chickens don’t have lips, do they?”
      #2 “Well how about lumps?”
      #1 “No, nuggets!”
      #2 “Ya, that way no one will know that we don’t know what this is. Brilliant. Now what do we call this milky substance?”
      #1 “It shakes by itself….”
      #2 “YES! Shake it is!”

  2. Anonymous says:

    Bet you still ate the whole thing. : )

  3. Linda Cooper says:

    wow Dale you sound like you are in a real McFlurry over this! Let me share a McNugget with you…..McDonald’s food isn’t real….it is all a McIllusion!

    • Dale Long says:

      Linda, it was awful. Oh! A McNugget!
      Wait, you’re trying to trick me. 😉
      Love that, McIllusion. Just like the food in ads and magazine pictures isn’t really food. (fact). The only difference is, the magazine isn’t trying to feed us the fake food.
      Airbrushed hamburgers any one?

  4. Nate Shenk says:

    I gave up on McDonald’s during my junior year of college because of a combination of health consciousness and a downward spiral of their food quality. A few months ago, I had a similar experience with McDonalds and it reminded me of why I gave it up in the first place. McDonald’s is a sad excuse of a restaurant. I’ll lick the dirty pavement right along side you. Now isn’t that an extremely odd sentence haha 😉

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